One hot July day Lisa found an old straggly cat at our door. It was a sorry sight. Starving, dirty, smelled terrible, skin and bones, and hair all matted down. Lisa felt sorry for her and put her in a carrier and took her to the vet. She had no name so Lisa named her Pussycat. The vet decided to keep her for a day or so and said he would let Lisa and her husband know when they could come and get her. The husband, muttering to himself under his breath about the cost, said|
"OK, but don't forget to wash her, she stinks." The husband and the vet don't like each other. The vet calls the husband "El-cheap-O" and Lisa's husband calls him "El-Take-0." They both love to hate each other.
Next day Lisa's husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located next door to the vet. The office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door suddenly opened and in leaned the vet; he had obviously seen Lisa's husband arrive. He looked straight at him and said in a voice loud enough to be heard by all...
"Your wife's pussy is finally clean and shaved. She now smells like a rose. And by the way, I think she's pregnant. God knows who the father is!" Then he slowly closed the door.
A man is sitting in a plane which is about to take off when another man with a dog occupies the empty seats alongside. The dog is set in the middle and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog, when the second man explains that they work for the airline.
The dog handler says to the first man, "Don't mind Rover, he is a sniffer dog, the best there is. I'll show you, once we get airborne and I set him to work."
The plane takes off and levels out, then the handler says to the first man, "Watch this." He tells the dog, "Rover, search."
The dog jumps down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman for a few seconds, it then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm.
He says, "Good boy" and turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this, and the seat number, for the police who will apprehend her on arrival."
"Fantastic!" replies the first man.
Again, he sends the dog to search the aisles. The dog sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat and places both paws on the handler's arm.
He says, "Good boy" and turns to the first man and says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I'm making a note of this, and the seat number."
"That's marvelous, I've never seen anything like it!" says the first man.
Once again, he sends the dog to search the aisles. He goes up and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone, and then comes racing back and jumps up onto the seat and craps all over the place.
The first man is surprised and disgusted by this, and asks "What in the world is going on?"
The handler replies, "He's just found a bomb!"
I LIKE MONKEYS
The pet store was selling them for five cents a piece. I thought that odd since they were normally a couple thousand each. I decided not to look a gift horse in the mouth. I bought 200. I like monkeys.
I took my 200 monkeys home. I have a big car. I let one drive. His name was Sigmund. He was retarded. In fact, none of them were really bright. They kept punching themselves in their genitals. I laughed. Then they punched my genitals. I stopped laughing.
I herded them into my room. They didn't adapt very well to their new environment. They would screech, hurl themselves off of the couch at high speeds and slam into the wall. Although humorous at first, the spectacle lost its novelty halfway into its third hour.
Two hours later I found out why all the monkeys were so inexpensive: they all died. No apparent reason. They all just sorta' dropped dead. Kinda' like when you buy a goldfish and it dies five hours later. Damn cheap monkeys.
I didn't know what to do. There were 200 dead monkeys lying all over my room, on the bed, in the dresser, hanging from my bookcase. It looked like I had 200 throw rugs.
I tried to flush one down the toilet. It didn't work. It got stuck. Then I had one dead, wet monkey and 199 dead, dry monkeys.
I tried pretending that they were just stuffed animals. That worked for a while, that is until they began to decompose. It started to smell real bad.
I had to pee but there was a dead monkey in the toilet and I didn't want to call the plumber. I was embarrassed.
I tried to slow down the decomposition by freezing them. Unfortunately there was only enough room for two monkeys at a time so I had to change them every 30 seconds. I also had to eat all the food in the freezer so it didn't all go bad.
I tried burning them. Little did I know my bed was flammable. I had to extinguish the fire.
Then I had one dead, wet monkey in my toilet, two dead, frozen monkeys in my freezer, and 197 dead, charred monkeys in a pile on my bed. The odor wasn't improving.
I became agitated at my inability to dispose of my monkeys and to use the bathroom. I severely beat one of my monkeys. I felt better.
I tried throwing them way but the garbage man said that the city wasn't allowed to dispose of charred primates. I told him that I had a wet one. He couldn't take that one either. I didn't bother asking about the frozen ones.
I finally arrived at a solution. I gave them out as Christmas gifts. My friends didn't know quite what to say. They pretended that they like them but I could tell they were lying. Ingrates. So I punched them in the genitals.
I like monkeys
This farmer has 500 hens but no rooster so he goes to his neighbor and asks him if he could buy a rooster for $100.
The neighbor says, "You can have this rooster. His name's Roy. He'll get all your hens pregnant. He's a real stud."
So the farmer takes him home and says, "It's your first day so take it slow, okay?"
The farmer puts Roy in the hen house and then hears all the hens crying and yelling. Roy nailed every one of those hens and then nailed a duck and a goose at a pond.
The next morning the farmer finds Roy lying dead with his legs sticking in the air and buzzards circling overhead.
The farmer says, "Roy, did you have to die?"
Roy says, "Quiet! They're about to land!"
A koala is sitting up in a gum tree ... smoking a joint when a little lizard walks past and looks up and says, "Hey Koala ! What are you doing?"
The koala says, "Smoking a joint, come up and have some."
So the little lizard climbs up and sits next to the koala and they have a few joints. After a while the little lizard says his mouth is 'dry' and is going to get a drink from the river. But the little lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.
A crocodile sees this and swims over to the little lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the little lizard:
"What's the matter with you?"
The little lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the koala in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.
The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the rain forest, finds the tree where the koala is sitting finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "Hey you!"
So the koala looks down at him and says:
"Shiiiiiiiiiiit dude ... how much water did you drink?!!"
This big woman is walking down the street one day and passes a pet shop. A parrot is on display and calls to the woman, "Hey! Gee, you're a big, fat, ugly woman!" The woman gets offended but continues on her way. On her way back down the street, the parrot repeats the same thing. Now, the woman is more than offended. She goes in to complain to the manager of the pet shop. She says, "Do you know what your parrot is saying?" The manager says, "No." She says, "That parrot just called me a big, fat, ugly woman! The manager replies, "I'm sorry, ma'am. I'll teach him not to say that again."
So, the next day, the woman is walking down the street just for curiosity she walks by the pet shop again. The parrot says, "Psst!" The woman stops and says, "What?" The parrot says, "YOU KNOW!"