There was once a young man who, in his youth,
professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define great, he said, 'I want to write
stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people
will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will
make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!'
He now works for Microsoft writing error messages
A sweet little girl runs out to the backyard where
her father is working and asks him, 'Daddy, what's sex?'
So, her father sits her down and tells her all about
the birds and the bees.
He tells her about conception, sexual intercourse,
sperms and eggs.
He tells her about puberty, menstruation, erections.
Then he thinks, what the hell, and goes on to tell
her the whole works, thinking that to tell it all is
the only way to tell the truth.
The girl is quite awestruck with this sudden influx
of bizarre new knowledge.
Her father finally asks, 'So what made you wish
to know about sex?'
Oh, mommy said lunch would be ready in a couple of secs...'
A Texan walks into a pub in Ireland and clears his
voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, 'I hear you
Irish are a bunch of drunken' fools. I'll give $500
American dollars to anybody in here who can drink
10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.'
The room is quiet, and no one takes of the Texan's
offer. One man even leaves.
Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left
shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder.
'Is your bet still good?' he asks.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line
up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman
tears into all 10 of the pint glasses drinking them all
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits down
in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500
and says, 'If ya don't mind my askin', where did ya'll go
for that 30 minutes you were gone?'
The Irishman replies, 'Oh...I had to go to the pub down
the street to see if I could do it first.'
Q: What do you do when you see someone having a seizure in a bathtub?
A: Throw in a load of dirty laundry.
Sammy decided to go skiing with his buddy, Han's. They loaded up Sammy's mini van and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. "I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed," she explained. "I'm afraid the neighbours will talk if I let you stay in my house." "Don't worry," Sammy said. "Well be happy to sleep in the barn. And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light" The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of skiing. About nine months later, Sammy got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the ski weekend. He dropped in on his friend Han's and asked, "Han's, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our ski holiday up North?" "Yes, I do", replied Han's. "Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?" "Yes," Han's said, a little embarrassed about being found out. "I have to admit that I did." "And did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?" Sammy asked. Han's's face turned red and he said, "Yeah, sorry, buddy. I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?" "She just died and left me everything."