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Married life sucks

A married couple was in a terrible accident where
the woman's face was severely burned. The doctor
told the husband that they couldn't graft any skin
from her body because she was too skinny. So
the husband offered to donate some of his own skin.

However, the only skin on his body that the doctor
felt was suitable would have to come from his
buttocks. The husband and wife agreed that they
would tell no one about where the skin came from,
and requested that the doctor also honor their secret.
After all, this was a very delicate matter.

After the surgery was completed, everyone was
astounded at the woman's new beauty. She looked
more beautiful than she ever had before! All her
friends and relatives just went agog about her
youthful beauty!

One day, she was alone with her husband, and
she was overcome with emotion at his sacrifice.
She said, 'Dear, I just want to thank you for
everything you did for me. There is no way I could
ever repay you.'

'My darling,' he replied, 'I get all the thanks I need
every time I see your mother kiss you on the cheek.

A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom. She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with her vibrator. "What are you doing?", asked the mom. "Mom, I am 40 years old and look at me. I am ugly. I will never get married so this is pretty much my husband." The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.

The next day the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room found his daughter using the vibrator. "What the hell are you doing?", he asked. His daughter replied, "I already told mom. I am 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband." The father walked out of the room shaking his head too.

The next day the mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand, and the vibrator in the other hand, watching the football game. "For Chrissakes, what are you doing?" she cried. The husband replied "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a beer and watching the game with my new son-in-law!"

A man who just got a raise decides to buy a new scope for his rifle. He goes to a rifle shop, and asks the clerk to show him a scope. The clerk takes out a scope, and says to the man, "This scope is so good, you can see my house all the way up on that hill".

The man takes a look through the scope, and starts laughing. "What's so funny?" asks the clerk.

"I see a naked man and a naked woman running around in the house", the man replies.

The clerk grabs the scope from the man, and looks at his house. Then he hands two bullets to the man and says, "Here are two bullets, I'll give you this scope for nothing if you take these two bullets, shoot my wife's head off and shoot the guy's dick off".

The man takes another look through the scope, and says, "You know what? I think I can do that with one shot!"