Tell me what you need, and I'll tell you how to get along without it.

Needing someone is like needing a parachute. If they aren"t there the first time, chances are you won't be needing them again.

I don't have an attitude problem, you have a perception problem.

Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, where the hell is the ceiling?

My reality check bounced.

On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.

Everyone is someone else's weirdo.

Never argue with an idiot. They drag you down to their level then beat you with experience.

A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

Don't be irreplaceable - if you can't be replaced, you won't be promoted.

After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

Ring bell for maid service. If no answer, do it yourself!

"I Used to Have a Handle on Life, But It Broke"

Some Days You're the Pigeon, Some Days You're the Statue"

"I Childproofed My House, But They Still Get In!"

"I'm Still Hot -- It Just Comes in Flashes"

"At My Age, Getting Lucky Is Finding My Car in the Parking Lot"

"We Got Rid of the Kids -- The Cat Was Allergic"

"My Wife Comes With Instructions -- Lots of Instructions"