Whats the first thing a hillbilly chick says after she looses her virginity?
Get off me daddy yer crushin my cigarettes.
How do you tell the difference between Liberals, Conservatives and Southerners?
Pose the following question: You're walking down a deserted street with your
wife and two small children. Suddenly, a dangerous looking man with a huge
knife comes around the corner, locks eyes with you, screams obscenities,
raises the knife, and charges. You are carrying a Glock 40, and you are an
expert shot. You have mere seconds before he reaches you and your family.
What do you do?
Liberal Answer: Well, that's not enough information to answer the question!
Does the man look poor or oppressed? Have I ever done anything to him that
would inspire him to attack? Could we run away? What does my wife think?
What about the kids? Could I possibly swing the gun like a club and knock
the knife out of his hand? What does the law say about this situation? Does
the Glock have an appropriate safety built into it? Do I have all the
required permits for it? Why am I carrying a loaded gun anyway, and what
kind of message does this send to society and to my children? Is it possible
he'd be happy with just killing me? Does he definitely want to kill me, or
would he be content just to wound me? If I were to grab his knees and hold
on, could my family get away while he was stabbing me? Should I call 9-1-1?
Why is this street so deserted? We need to raise taxes, have a paint and
weed day and make this a happier, healthier street that would discourage
such behavior. This is all so confusing! I need to debate this with some
friends for a few days and try to come to a consensus.
Conservative Answer: BANG!
Southerner's Answer : BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG!
BANG! BANG! click... (sounds of reloading).
Wife: "Sweetheart, he looks like he's still moving. What do you kids
Son: "Mom's right Dad. I saw it, too."
BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! BANG! click.
Daughter: "Nice group, Daddy! Were those the Winchester Silver Tips?"
After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the big city. In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it. Not ever having seen one before, he remarked at the image staring back at him,
"How about that! Here's a picture of my daddy."
He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he remembered his wife, didn't like his father. So he hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving for the fields, he would go there and look at it. His wife began to get suspicious of these many trips to the barn.
One day after her husband left, she searched the barn and found the mirror.As she looked into the glass, she fumed,
"So that's the ugly bitch he's runnin' around with."
17 ways to tell you're a redneck
1. You let your 14-year-old daughter smoke at the dinner table in front of her kids.
2. The Blue Book value of your truck goes up and down depending on how much gas is in it.
3. You've been married three times and still have the same in-laws.
4. You think a woman who is "out of your league" bowls on a different night.
5. You wonder how service stations keep their rest-rooms so clean.
6. Someone in your family died right after saying, "Hey, guys, watch this."
7. You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
8. Your wife's hairdo was once ruined by a ceiling fan.
9. Your junior prom offered day care.
10. You think the last words of the "Star-Spangled Banner" are "Gentlemen, start your engines."
11. You lit a match in the bathroom and your house exploded right off its wheels.
12. The Halloween Pumpkin on your porch has more teeth than your spouse.
13. You have to go outside to get something from the fridge.
14. One of your kids was born on a pool table.
15. You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of Tattoos.
16. You can't get married to your sweetheart because there's a law against it.
17. You think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
An East Texas couple, both real-life rednecks, had 9 children. They went to the doctor to see about getting the husband "fixed". The doctor asked them why, after nine children would they choose to do this. The husband replied that they had read in a recent article that one out of every ten children being born in North America was Mexican and they didn't want a Mexican baby because neither of them could speak Spanish.