A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done. The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. if I start to get nervous, I take a sip." So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following note:
1. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J. C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.
9. When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey,don't say he was stoned off his ass.
10. We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."
11. When Jesus broke the bread at the Last Supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say "Eat me"
12. The Virgin Mary is not called "Mary with the Cherry,"
13. The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, yeah God.
14. Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's, not a peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.
A mother is having is having sex with her lover. Her son comes in, so she locks him in the closet.
Shortly thereafter she hears her husband come home. She immediately locks her lover also in the closet.
"Dark in here," the boy says to his mother's lover.
"Yeah," the man replies.
"I have a baseball here. Do you want it? It costs only 250 bucks," says the boy.
The man thought what the hell and paid up.
Next night the boy is again locked in the closet with the lover.
"Dark in here," the boy says.
"Yeah," the man replies.
"Do you want a baseball glove?" the boy asks.
The man bought it for 750 bucks.
The next day the father says, "Son, lets go to play baseball!"
The boy replies, "I sold my baseball and glove for a 1000 bucks!"
The father becomes upset and says, "You should not overcharge your friends like that. I'm going to take you to the Confessional."
His father drops him off and he goes into the Confessional.
"Dark in here," the boy says.
"Oh, for heavens sake, don't start that again," says the priest!
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